Thursday, December 2, 2010

Living A Life Worthy of Something, Anger/Fear & Change

I haven't had a blog entry in forever and I know I am writing to myself. :-) But that's OK David spoke to his soul many times in the Bible so I feel I can do the same.

I am in the trenches right now fighting a battle I don't feel I have the strength to fight. I want a life worthy of something. I want to live life to the fullest but how? So much has changed this year. So many heartaches and rejections and battles. After a while you become battle weary. Have you ever seen Band of Brothers? It is an eye opening movie experience of what the men faced during WWII on the front lines. At one point the group is stuck in a forest and is getting the beating of a life time from a German artillary corp across the field from them. Many of their "brothers" died. I believe it was a year or more they were there living in fox holes in wintery conditions without supplies. The German Army had surrounded them. They get to a point where they don't ever react during the shelling. They are litterally shell shocked.

I am at that point. Just tired, weary and shell shocked. I hate it. Then anger and fear raise it's ugly head and I am stuck in my fox hole. Paralyzed by fear I can't even move.

I thought I knew what my life was supposed to look like. I thought I knew the ending of the book...silly for me to presume that since I am not the author of it.What I was told I would do as part of my "destiny" is actually no longer true. What I though I knew as certantiy is now very uncertain. I am on a new journey now and that is frightening. See I am in the fox hole and my way out to safety is to move, but my fear of something new is keeping me in my hole thus making me suceptiable to the enemy's fire.

So I have gone to taking baby steps. Right now I am creeping up to the ledge of the hole looking for my next move. Eventually I will get out but after a year like this one I am doing a lot of creeping and not running. The picture above is of my sons at a Military Museum near us. It is a reconstruction of a trench from WWI. This trip opened my eyes again to battle and war. It is ugly and painful. I definitely could see why it was hard to get the troops out of the trenches to make a charge on the enemy. You have to become vunerable to attack and even ready to face death. Even though you are not 100% safe in the trenches you get this disullusioned idea your safe. In fact there were just as many dangers down there as out on the feild with the shellings, rats, sickness and so forth.

Well this has been quite the rambling. Now I just need to keep going. I need to keep moving forward even at the slow pace I am going. I want to live a life worthy of something to overcome my anger and fear and embrace the change. It's just going to take me one step at a time but I believe I will come through this eventually.