You Can Tell I Have Come A Long Way...

I have been sitting at our computer for 2 weeks now pouring over scripture and seeking the Lord about how to teach an upcoming class at our church. My Knight and I are teaching together for our church's Wed. Night Adult Education program. Years ago I would have been chomping at the bit to speak in front of people (many, many years ago). I would have vainly loved to show people how much I knew and how great I am. Not the case any more. I am humbled by this offer to teach.

I realize the gravity of what it means to teach God's Word and to represent Him to others. It is a weightiness. I keep going back and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to my Knight and I what is the truth you want to release through us? What are the words you want us to speak? This isn't about me any more. I once loved going to Public Speaking Contests and getting up in front of people just so they could see me. Boy, that isn't the case anymore.

I also think about how others will perceive us later. I understand in the smallest sense the feeling pastors feel when they and their families are scrutinized on a daily basis for the words they preach to their congregation. We are teaching on helping parents to help their kids hear God's voice. So how will people see us afterwards? Will they judge me when my kid is asked to pray and he doesn't want to? "Well that Livin', I thought she told us her kids hear the voice of God and he doesn't even want to pray."

I know that sounds silly but it is all running through my brain right now. The biggest weight is how I represent the King of Kings to others, how I use His mighty Word. I don't want to use it out of context or manipulated in any way. Does this make any sense? The Bible talks about the responsibility that comes to those who teach God's Word. Believe me, I feel that very strongly right now. I am not rushing head long into this thing believing for my glory. If anything I would like to run the other way. We are also teaching the same month that 2 amazingly gifted and anointed teachers of our church our teaching. In the room right next to ours. What could we even have to offer compared to these guys?

So bit by bit I type and continue with our outline. I keep sitting back in my chair covering my face with my hands and just asking "Does this make any sense God? Are we getting even close to what it is Your trying to say?" I think my eye brows may fall completely out by the end of May with as many times as I rub my brow in frustration with myself.

I also worry about my speech. One of my learning disorders is I say things wrong. I say phrases backwards. Sometimes I feel like my brain has a log jam and I can't get my thoughts out properly. I am sooooo glad Moses had issues and I have even heard it say that Paul may have stuttered. I am definitely in good company.

How's my Knight in all this you ask? Well he has done this twice now and is a little more at ease with this process then I am. Also he speaks more eloquently then I do with all his business meetings and conferences. Me, I talk to kids all day and even with pre-teens I still don't get full sentences out on a daily basis so my brain gets stuck in Mommy talk.

Basically I just needed to get that off my chest. I feel better just sharing that and hopefully you all can pray for us this Month. At least when May's done we can sit back and relax and not have to do this again. :)

Locked Out!!!

Last night was not such a good night. My Knight has been away in Virginia this week on business. I had the job of taking the boys to Wed. night church so my older two could attend a Baptism class. They are excited to be Baptized on April 19, so they had to attend this class. Being very tired, because I have not been sleeping well this week, I stepped out of the house to go to the van. I thought I had put my keys in my purse. As I began to search I realized they were still in the house. That's when it happened. Shaggy came out and shout the door.

We were now locked out. My Knight who had the only other key was 3 1/2 hours away and I didn't even have keys to drive my van any where. We tried calling friends but being a Wed. night everyone was in service or heading to church and not answering their cell phones. I finally called my husband in a panic. Our Realtor who we rent from told us it was after hours and they don't come and open the homes up at that time so if we wanted to get back into our house we would have to call a locksmith. Well standing on the side of the curb with no telephone book made that a little difficult. All the neighbors we know were still at work or out for dinner so the street was empty. Finally we got a hold of some dear friends who were skipping church for the evening and they picked us up and took us to church. The boys made it to the class.

We tried breaking in to our house later but we couldn't try to hard since we rent. I didn't really want to have to explain that to my Landlord. My dear friend Terry E. told us we could get a locksmith but they would charge us after hours fees also being so late at night. We just don't have any extra money right now so the E's had us back to their house for the evening. My Knight had already started home so by 11pm he came rolling in to rescue us. We flew home. I threw the boys in bed without their teeth brushed and didn't even change them into their PJ's. I know that sounds horrible but you should hear the stuff they do when they go camping with their father. :)

So now everyone is very tired and warn out. My Knight is off to Delaware today for training and hopefully will make it in time for Church tonight. Tonight is the CCC School of Ministry Prophetic Presbytery so I might just have to go without him. I hope not because I don't really want to go and am not looking forward to this at all.

So now I need to go and get an extra key made and I am going online to start looking for a house to buy. I absolutely have had it with renting. This has just been the longest week. ARRHHGG!!

My Inner Hermit

Warning: This post is gut honest and raw!

Being sick brings out the worst in you. You can only sleep or think and to me both can be excruciating. Sleeping is not fun when all you want to do is get up and move or do something. Just getting out of the house would be nice. Thinking is bad for me also because it makes me face thoughts and fears that I can usually push down through my daily activities. So with these past couple of days so much has been thrust to the forefront of my mind.

My biggest fear is the rejection of man. I long for friendship and gatherings but at the same time retreat from everything because of the fear that I may be rejected. Thus I have an inner hermit. This part of my heart would love to live in a cave some where away from people and pain. Just me, my family and God. I know it doesn't work this way but it nags at me constantly.

To reach out to others is extremely difficult. Yes I love helping others. If you need something I will be there. I would give my life for other people but I cannot take from others. I don't mean wisdom or discipline. I have put myself under the authority of some wonderful Christian men and women who have the right to pour into my life or guide my footsteps but I speak of others hearts. To get close to someone would mean pain. It would mean they could see into my life and have the ability to accept or reject what they see.

When my Knight had his accident so many people offered to help. I accepted food and the occasional help with the prompting from my husband but I turned down so many. It was too hard. Were they honestly offering or would I be disappointed? To many people in my past disappointed me. To go through that again would just shatter my heart. So what do I do? Do I sit in my home fearful of those wonderful individuals the Lord has led into my life or do I embrace them?

Each step I take to reaching out and asking for their hand is a mighty leap. Blogging has been a safe way for me to interact. I write and if anyone feels like it they can respond. No rejection. But I want to go beyond my safety zone. How can I accomplish the purposes of God when fear stands at my door?What am I passing on to my children?

So I end with two questions... "How do you become a friend?" "What does friendship look like?"
I need to break free from this bondage but I also need to learn because in all honesty I was never taught these vital life lessons. So I head to the Father with His abounding love to ask for help. Here's to learning new things, breaking off chains and walking into new freedoms.