Warning: This post is gut honest and raw!
Being sick brings out the worst in you. You can only sleep or think and to me both can be excruciating. Sleeping is not fun when all you want to do is get up and move or do something. Just getting out of the house would be nice. Thinking is bad for me also because it makes me face thoughts and fears that I can usually push down through my daily activities. So with these past couple of days so much has been thrust to the forefront of my mind.
My biggest fear is the rejection of man. I long for friendship and gatherings but at the same time retreat from everything because of the fear that I may be rejected. Thus I have an inner hermit. This part of my heart would love to live in a cave some where away from people and pain. Just me, my family and God. I know it doesn't work this way but it nags at me constantly.
To reach out to others is extremely difficult. Yes I love helping others. If you need something I will be there. I would give my life for other people but I cannot take from others. I don't mean wisdom or discipline. I have put myself under the authority of some wonderful Christian men and women who have the right to pour into my life or guide my footsteps but I speak of others hearts. To get close to someone would mean pain. It would mean they could see into my life and have the ability to accept or reject what they see.
When my Knight had his accident so many people offered to help. I accepted food and the occasional help with the prompting from my husband but I turned down so many. It was too hard. Were they honestly offering or would I be disappointed? To many people in my past disappointed me. To go through that again would just shatter my heart. So what do I do? Do I sit in my home fearful of those wonderful individuals the Lord has led into my life or do I embrace them?
Each step I take to reaching out and asking for their hand is a mighty leap. Blogging has been a safe way for me to interact. I write and if anyone feels like it they can respond. No rejection. But I want to go beyond my safety zone. How can I accomplish the purposes of God when fear stands at my door?What am I passing on to my children?
So I end with two questions... "How do you become a friend?" "What does friendship look like?"
I need to break free from this bondage but I also need to learn because in all honesty I was never taught these vital life lessons. So I head to the Father with His abounding love to ask for help. Here's to learning new things, breaking off chains and walking into new freedoms.
4 comments:
Again, we are so much alike. Just by reading your blog, I can tell you have a beautiful heart, and I would love to be your friend. My problem is having a heart full of love for others but holding back (mistrust) from exposing my heart to them...talk about an oxymoron.
Jesus has been helping me learn the lesson that love (friendship) isn't love unless risk is involved...rejection is a possible outcome to giving love and rejection hurts, but the love I have given and received makes up for all the times I've been rejected by man.
Giving love and friendship has a twofold benefit. Whenever I give love to someone else, I can feel God's pleasure. Remember, how we love and relate to each other should directly reflect how we love and relate to Jesus.
Jesus knows I long for the day when all of my relationships reflect how I feel about Him.
"How do you become a friend?" By being a friend
"What does friendship look like?" Helping in time of need, accepting the person where they are in their walk, looking past undoneness to see the treasure in someone else, speaking the truth in love and kindness even if it means increasing the risk of rejection, offering your heart in sincerity without regard to potential rejection, maintaining confidence even to one's own hurt, and forgiving the other when they have failed to meet one's expectations of friendship
At least this is the kind of friend I want to be.
Oh, be healed in the great name of Jesus!! May His Presence and Peace flood you body in its entirty!!! AMEN!!!!
Thank you for sharing so much from your heart. I think *one* of the keys is to just do it - start from where you are and just try reaching out one time, and then build from there. In my experience, no matter how much you learn and how much healing you get, actually doing it are what will really help you move forward. (Kind of like the quote I posted on Sunday.)
:) I just really, really like you. I consider you a friend, not because of what you can do for me or because of who you know, but because you are so honest that I cna see Jesus through you every time I see you. I just honestly like you.
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