Living A Life Worthy of Something, Anger/Fear & Change

I haven't had a blog entry in forever and I know I am writing to myself. :-) But that's OK David spoke to his soul many times in the Bible so I feel I can do the same.

I am in the trenches right now fighting a battle I don't feel I have the strength to fight. I want a life worthy of something. I want to live life to the fullest but how? So much has changed this year. So many heartaches and rejections and battles. After a while you become battle weary. Have you ever seen Band of Brothers? It is an eye opening movie experience of what the men faced during WWII on the front lines. At one point the group is stuck in a forest and is getting the beating of a life time from a German artillary corp across the field from them. Many of their "brothers" died. I believe it was a year or more they were there living in fox holes in wintery conditions without supplies. The German Army had surrounded them. They get to a point where they don't ever react during the shelling. They are litterally shell shocked.

I am at that point. Just tired, weary and shell shocked. I hate it. Then anger and fear raise it's ugly head and I am stuck in my fox hole. Paralyzed by fear I can't even move.

I thought I knew what my life was supposed to look like. I thought I knew the ending of the book...silly for me to presume that since I am not the author of it.What I was told I would do as part of my "destiny" is actually no longer true. What I though I knew as certantiy is now very uncertain. I am on a new journey now and that is frightening. See I am in the fox hole and my way out to safety is to move, but my fear of something new is keeping me in my hole thus making me suceptiable to the enemy's fire.

So I have gone to taking baby steps. Right now I am creeping up to the ledge of the hole looking for my next move. Eventually I will get out but after a year like this one I am doing a lot of creeping and not running. The picture above is of my sons at a Military Museum near us. It is a reconstruction of a trench from WWI. This trip opened my eyes again to battle and war. It is ugly and painful. I definitely could see why it was hard to get the troops out of the trenches to make a charge on the enemy. You have to become vunerable to attack and even ready to face death. Even though you are not 100% safe in the trenches you get this disullusioned idea your safe. In fact there were just as many dangers down there as out on the feild with the shellings, rats, sickness and so forth.

Well this has been quite the rambling. Now I just need to keep going. I need to keep moving forward even at the slow pace I am going. I want to live a life worthy of something to overcome my anger and fear and embrace the change. It's just going to take me one step at a time but I believe I will come through this eventually.

Picking Up THe Pieces

That seems to be a revolving theme in my life. Sometimes its picking up the pieces of my past life and the pain and struggles I endured early on and sometimes its the present day circumstances that lay shattered at my feet. I wonder "Is it God, is it satan, is it me?" I then ask the age old question "Why God?" but like many who journeyed this path before me silence fills the air as no answer ensues. So what to do?

I have gotten angry with God (no surprise there you know that's happened before and seems to be my default response), angry with my husband (because he is the only thing in my life that resembles God with skin on so hence the anger towards him which is actual anger towards God) and angry with myself. There have been quite a few disappointments lately and hurts that have not healed completely and I just wonder how much more. I want to love God with all my heart, soul and mind but part of me doesn't want to trust. Maybe God is doing this, maybe I am the one person He doesn't actually love.

See this all goes back to my past. I lived in a household where love was given and revoked and demanded. One minute you were told you were loved then the next you were told you stepped out of that love and everything was taken away. There were even times you were threatened that love would be withheld if you did the wrong thing. Love was confusing and hurtful and completely mangled in my life. Unfortunately as much as I know God loves me unconditionally these beliefs are still there and they pop up when I feel God is absent or has abandoned me.

So now I pick up the pieces and start afresh. I have my down moments where I want to stick my head in a hole and my heart in outer space so no one can touch it and then I realize I can't stay there. I brush my self off and pick up the broken pieces of my hopes, dreams and heart. I hand them back to God and you know what He just embraces them and me. Even to the point where like shards of glass in His hands He holds me so close that my broken pieces pierce His hands and draws HIs blood.

Never will He stop holding me. Not even when my pain causes Him pain. I guess that's what started this in the first place. My pain, our pain, the worlds pain is what Jesus was pierced with on the cross as He embraced the Father and the Father embraced the world.

Working Through The Pain

It's been quite a while since writing something...I have thought about going on here and trying to put into words the battle I have been facing but I would just end up staring at the cursor blinking off and on. The empty page seemed to sum up my heart at that time.

Right now I am working through the pain. It seems the Lord has allowed us to face an all out assault on our family for His purposes. Dissapointments, hurts, financial pain, emotional wounding, betrayal and much, much more. I thought I left the pain of wanting another child until I went without my period for 3 months and then convinced myself I was pregnant. My hopes were eventually dashed and the reality of never being able to carry another child again hit home. I know many talk to me about adopting and that is a strong avenue but you will never be able to take that longing away from me to want to feel a life growing inside of me. It's there and it hurts. I can't even be happy for others right now when I hear so-and-so is pregnant. We have prayed for 7 years now and the bleakness of that prayer ever coming to pass has just overwhelmed me.

Our Pastor recently spoke on being a Son & Daughter of God vs a servant of God. Whether he intentionally or unintentionally meant to he prefaced the sermon with testimonies of what a Son or Daughter looks like. These testimonies were everything going right, all the favor you could ever have and prayers being answered left and right. So then where does it leave us? What happens when God goes silent and prayers are delayed and problems come? Are we no longer Sons & Daughters? Are we now slaves & servants?

I don't believe so but I don't think giving testimonies of everything going right all the time are great either. We live in a fallen world and more times then not we need to hear about the struggles. Did you know that the word "hem" in Ps. 139:5 is not a happy word? We pray that a lot in our church meetings that God would "hem" us in when in actuality that means to crush, to imprison on all sides and to besiege by the hand of God. That's right I am not talking enemies coming against you I mean God is doing this. That is where we are right now "hemmed" in. Not only are we "hemmed" in but then the vs. continues to tell us God even has His hand on top of us. Now we are in God's own trash compactor. Yeah, think next time someone prays that over you.

This is not a fun place. It is a hard place. It is a place where you come face to face with your pain, your inadequacies, your beliefs are challenged and you wonder briefly is God a loving God? I do beleive He is but I am honest enough to tell you it does not make it one bit easier. You see others going through life right as rain and all the while you are getting hammered. What's wrong with this picture. So right now I am sitting in this "hemmed" in place. I cry a lot and my heart aches as though it has been torn from my chest at times and I desperately want some answers but then I am left to sit again in this dark lonely place. Like David though I will come through...hopefully. I will learn more and strengthen in areas that were weak but I don't like it. I want to have a baby, I want to not be hit by one more financial bombshell, I want some answers to prayers and I want to feel the joy of the Lord again. So I will wait for that season to come and work through the pain of this one. At least I can say I am still here. I haven't given up, at least not yet.

No Hope Left

I feel as though I have had the wind knocked out of me. As though everything I thought was reality has come crashing down around me and I am left with a void. I am not in a good place right now. I am angry with God. Yes I said it and mean it. I have lost hope in him and many other things and people.

I am tired of fighting this battle with no ending. I have fought since I was born and it just isn't worth fighting any more. I have been called a liar and rejected by family and lived a life of sacrifice for what? You know what though? God actually is not fazed by my attitude or lose of hope. If he is as big as everyone says he is than he is OK with me not being happy with him.

I can't stand watching friends go through hell and their family members die and people who say they are real not be. I can't stand the false world I live in and I don't have much hope any more of this ever changing.

I don't ask for help but for the ability to wade through the crap myself in my time. This post is a journal entry pure and simple. Its for me and no one else. I needed to release all this crap right now.

A Bit of Honesty & Real Life Parenting

`I am a very transparent person and so my posts can become very raw and real at times. For me that's just how I roll. Nothing much hidden. So I have been contemplating in sharing my struggles this week as a parent. I then came to a sense of peace that maybe some mom out there might relate or connect with what I went through this week. If not maybe a young mom out there will be encouraged to know that even when walking with the Lord you can go through difficult situations with your kids. Godly parenting is not about avoiding difficult times with your kids it's about learning how you traverse your way through the deep dark crevasses of life with the Lord as your guide.

This past weekend took a toll on our whole family. Things were triggered inside all of us that brought to the surface a lot of pain. Scott and I were so weary at that point that we honestly weren't keeping tabs with the boys emotional status. We were just trying to keep ourselves afloat. Monday afternoon Shaggy was slated for a hair cut. He hasn't had one in at least 4 months. We talked about how long his hair could be but I made the last minuted decision of cutting 2 inches off so he could start growing it back in, in a more healthy state.

Well, I just created the spark that set off the emotional explosion. I handled the outcome very badly and had no patience at all. There was no grace, there was no mercy. Scott and I also did not see the signs that more things were going on in Shaggy then a bad hair cut. So needless to say Monday stunk and then we went to bed mad at each other.

Tuesday morning proved to be worst. Feelings were still raw and we all felt the exhaustion of the weekend. Words were spoken, feelings were hurt and then Shaggy reacted to the moment...he ran away. Not much worse than the feeling that your child just bolted and you don't know where he is. I felt afraid and angry and sad and everything a mother could possibly feel in one single moment. We did find him fairly quickly but even that didn't go well.

After so more exchange of words we were able to get Shaggy to go to school and he seemed to calm down there. During that time I just sat and prayed and talked to God. I began to see the larger picture. Shaggy was triggered by the events of the weekend. The hair cut actually played into that situation too and whamo, we now have the explosive situation that took place in the morning.

So what to do? As a parent we really screwed things up. We reacted instead of responding. We exploded instead of loving. I remember thinking, "I totally blew it. Can God really redeem this and turn it into something for our good?" The answer came quickly and clearly "Yes I can!" With that I began praying for Shaggy and also the other two boys. They experienced the whole thing so I know they were feeling the pain of it all too. Later that night we sat and talked to Shaggy.

We began processing the events and he began to see the larger picture. He acknowledged the fact that pain drove him to run away. We began asking each other for forgiveness and allowed healing to return to our home. Things are better today. Shaggy is processing more and more about what exactly happened and so are we.

We now need to pray about a healthy way for Shaggy to retreat when he feels overwhelmed. Scott and I realized growing up on farms we retreated to our dirt bikes or horses to help us find a quiet space to process our feelings. Shaggy does not have that here in town so we need to find a creative way to help him find "his own space". At 11 I know he needs a place to go where he can internalize what's going on and a place to call his own. Shaggy is great about sharing his feelings but he always needs some quiet time first. Once he has that he can easily articulate to us all that he feels. If we try to push him to quickly he just shuts down.

I have been processing the feelings of failure and shame I feel from Shaggy's experience on Tuesday. The Lord has brought so much good through this bad situation. Parenting is one of the most difficult things to do in life. It isn't easy at all but very rewarding. I am a parent not because I get anything out of it. If that were the case I probably wouldn't have kids. I am a parent because God gave me three amazing gifts and I love them so much. The journey through parenting is tough. It isn't for the faint of heart but if you press through the pain, storms and difficulties of parenting you can find real joy in it all. That's what I discovered this week. I failed, Scott failed but I know God never does. He came down and redeemed our situation. He restored love, peace and joy back into our house and even taught us all a few things.

Even if you feel like your not a good parent or you don't have what it takes remember that God is all we need. He actually created us as parents not to have all the answers or do it perfect all the time, that way our kids realize the importance of our dependence on Him and Him alone.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say about that. Today is a new day, I will be glad and rejoice in it.

In Times of Much Discouragement

I would love to say that in every situation I have the faith to stand as the waves of life batter my small boat...but I don't. I am in a place right now of great discouragement. It mainly has to do with our housing situation and all of the surrounding circumstances would be a lot to go into detail but for now I just know that I don't have even the faith the size of a mustard seed. The smallest amount of faith I had has given way to disappointment and frustration .

I write this so others know that I am not all that and a bag of chips. I don't always have the answers or the strength. I get tired, weary and ready to give up at times.

I want so desperately for the Lord to come through. I want to see His glory reign in this area of my life however I am ye of little faith. I was prophesied over once to be a women of great faith and now that makes me snicker. I don't feel great and I don't feel like I have one shred of faith left in me. I see those who make their own way in life and get what they want. They get their blessing and receive all that they desire through their own means but I wait on the Lord for Him. I have heard their comments and know how they feel about us standing for a miracle and it wares me down.

Sometimes I get enough strength to want to show them they are wrong and bolster myself to pray and believe so that they can see that the Lord answers His faithful. But then I relent and back down. I have cried a lot today. I have poured out my heart and anger toward the Lord about our situation. I don't know what else to do. I am tired of waiting and I am tired of battling. So now I just become still and know He is God. There isn't anything else for me to do.

I Wish We Had Gone To A Cabin In The Wilderness For New Years!

This New Years just brought more heartache and sadness to our family. We traveled to up-state New York to be with Scott's family for the Holiday's. We go maybe once a year because of scheduling issues and family issues. This time was the worst experience to date.

The Lord kept telling us to get a hotel room and not stay at his parents house. I wasn't convinced especially since my medical bills all came due in December. I knew we just didn't have the extra but Scott insisted we had to this time. Low and behold it definitely was the Lord. When we arrived in NY we walked into chaos and dysfunction. To try and not go into any gory details lets just say unknown to us my husbands parents have 3 families living in their home besides themselves and his youngest brother. 6 adults, 5 children, 5 dogs, 4 cats and a big mess. Then across the street where his sister is supposed to be living her soon-to-be ex-husband is now taking up residence. He is violent and abusive. Every time she had to take the kids over to their father some one had to walk with her for her protection.

Well, things were just plain ugly the entire weekend. It finally culminated with an act of violence against one of our boys. Unfortunately Scott's sister's son has seen too much violence between his mother and father and now lashes out in anger towards others. For some reason he targeted DK for the weekend. DK did great about coming to us when the young man began to beat on him but DK reached his limit Saturday morning. Our three boys were playing nicely with one of Scott's good brothers (actually all Scott's brothers are really nice to our boys) when the cousin decked DK in the mouth. That was it. DK turned and cold clocked the young man in the face. This is were it got ugly though. Scott's brother was wrestling with the boys while this was happening and was not able to see what transpired. Scott's brother-in-law walked in on the situation and only saw DK hit his cousin. Scott's brother-in-law punched DK in the side of the head.

We were in the other room cleaning up breakfast when the brother-in-law came in looking for ice for our nephew and told us about our "bad" child. Well, I flew into the other room and found out the whole story. It didn't go down pretty but Scott's family sure knows now not to touch one of our kids ever again. Thankfully the Lord held my tongue enough not to be vulgar or mean but I sure laid it out there what I thought of the situation. So did Scott he just said I gave it a bit more with passion.

Needless to say we came home directly and are very leery about ever going back. DK is doing well. We prayed with him last night and the two other boys because they were ready to throtle their Uncle for what he did. Scott and I needed some prayer too because we wanted to retaliate also but what is that showing our kids...violence for more violence. Part of Scott's family is defending the brother-in-law and part of his family is standing with us. The hard part is the level of violence that entire family lives with on a daily basis. They truly believed that the Uncle was just disciplining. In my book that's not discipline at all.

It's truly sad. We now have lost the little bit of family left that we had because of their choice to live in this violent and dysfunctional lifestyle. Honestly, they are destroying themselves and everyone around them. The dysfunction is so far reaching in to Scott's family. DK had a great revelation from the Lord last night that satan took over Uncle A's heart when he hit him. DK said the Lord told him that he could forgive him because he is not fighting Uncle A. but satan inside of him. We told DK that is actually written in the Bible. Here our little guy forgave his Uncle and prayed that Jesus would enter his heart instead. What a difference in our lives compared to the violence we witnessed over this past weekend.

So today we are all on the mend. We are kind of morning the loss of our biological family and the trust that was broken this weekend. We are however rejoicing in our spiritual family. You just don't know how much that means to us. We feel more love and safety in those we know in the Body of Christ then the families we were born into. I'm tired now.:-( It's been a long New Years weekend. Not the way we wanted to celebrate a fresh, new Year.

A Question For Women

Do you or have you ever battled with low self-esteem? And not just the "it's that time of the month, I feel boated and fat" kind of low self-esteem, I mean the down and dirty, don't want to look at yourself in the mirror low self-esteem. I have gone through seasons where my self-esteem has been low but right now it is at an all time bottom. For a while I was OK with myself. I felt fairly comfortable in my own skin but for the last 3 months or maybe even more I have been in an all out war with my mind about how I look and feel.

I know since turning 30 I started to realize my body has changed and unlike in my 20's it just doesn't do or feel like it used to. Lately though I have not gotten through a day without the onslaught of negative thoughts about myself. There are areas of my thought life that I have become victorious in but my appearance/self-esteem is not one of those areas. A couple months ago I fasted for a week because the Lord laid it on my heart to do so. It was a hard week but the Lord came through powerfully. Because of fasting I lost 8 lbs. It was not a goal I had set for myself but when you are not eating, only drinking logically you will lose some weight. I knew eventually I would gain it back. During that week I got a comment that I looked really good and trim. The person who made the comment knew I was fasting, so it wasn't just a mistaken comment about weight loss. Wow, could 8 lbs really make a difference? Do I need to be that little to be attractive? It has bothered me ever since. My mind began to go back to the days I used to purposely not eat to lose weight. I can't believe after all these years of being free from that I see it trying to creep back into my life.

Another reason my self-esteem has been low, I believe, is the lack of time with my husband. He has been traveling a lot lately and working around the clock. By the time he gets home at night he's tired and his mind is preoccupied with deadlines. It is not his fault by any means but I can feel the effects. I don't hear the "You look nice honey" or "Wow you look beautiful today" any more. I know my self worth and value should not be so determined by someones words but I can tell the lack of encouraging words from my Love plays a crucial part in my battle.

So what to do. I have banned myself from keeping up with celebrities or glancing at them online, in the news or where ever. Their tiny, well exercised, toned bodies just become wrecking balls to my own self-esteem. I begin to entertain thoughts of maybe that's why Scott doesn't say much any more, maybe I have let myself go. Or that's why that person said that comment because I really do need to lose 10-20 lbs. I want to be happy with who I am and what I look like. I want to be comfortable with my weight and my looks. I struggle with other physical things like acne and such that slowly erode my self-esteem too. I don't want these things to keep me down any more but I will just be very frank and honest it is so darn hard. We live in a society that places so much worth and value on your appearance.

The Lord has spoken to me about this battle. Interestingly enough He did not condemn or judge me for struggling but just asked me to continue moving forward and battling this. He didn't show me a magical pill to take that would make all these thoughts disappear but He just said don't stop keep going. Sometimes we fail in life. Sometimes we give in instead of pressing forward but the point is we get back up and take another step. My focus right now is what do you want me to know today Lord? What is the Truth that will get me through today? Eventually I will be on the other side of this, victorious and rejoicing in my new found freedom but today I am in the war. I am on the front-lines picking my way through the battle field, hoping not to step on another land mine. Hopefully, in the end my battle scars will help bring others freedom to this area in their own lives. Now I need to go and battle whether I am going to have a cup of coffee this morning or not. That is more sugar that I don't need yet I would really like to have it. Ohhhhhh, the things going on in my head right now. Blaahhhhhh!

Working Through My Disillusionment About The Church

Disillusionment...what it is and why am I sifting through it? Well, this book has had a profound impact on me about my disillusionment with the church. Yes, I said it and even printed it out. I have been battling my disillusionment with the church at large. Not one particular body of believers or building but church in general.

So what does disillusionment mean? Try this out for size...

disillusionment (countable and uncountable; plural disillusionments)

1. A feeling that arises from the discovery that something is not what it was anticipated to be, commonly held to be stronger than disappointment especially when a belief central to one’s identity is shown to be false. (taken from the online Websters Dictionary)

For years I have struggled with this not knowing exactly why the church bothered me. Maybe because I grew up in and out of multiple churches until I was 12 and then my family stopped attending any church? Maybe it was because of the unusual past I grew up with? Maybe because some of the most heinous offenses of my past came from supposedly good Christians from church? I don't know but for a long time the word church made me cringe. I even remember distinctly in high school one of my friends asked me if I was "one of those people" referring to someone from church, even asking me if I was a Christian and I abruptly responded "No"! It wasn't that I didn't believe in God or that I did not want to be a Christian but those words represented dead, religious organizations and those in them who were just here to judge the world before Jesus return.

Unfortunately I have stumbled again across more of my own disillusionment about church in recent years. When my husband and I became believers and found a church to become a part of I very quickly began to see the dark side of church once more. What I thought would be a place of love and acceptance quickly became a place of masks and judgments. My heart just yearned for something real and authentic. Don't tell me about love, show me. Don't tell me you have it all together let me know you struggled and can still run the race. Don't give me programs or activities, give me relationships.

My director overseeing my internship at TTWM suggested that I needed to read this book "Dear Church: Letters from a Disillusioned Generation". It has been a powerful, thought provoking book in my life. It is really helping me to reexamine church, my heart and help me to wade through many of my own frustrations to find Christ's true mission and what church was created to be. It has also made me realize I am not alone in my feelings and that our generation is going to help usher in the emerging church of this time.

I realize now that I am not too get frustrated about all that is happening in and around the church and then just abandon it but that I am called to pray, fast and stand for the Body to become the church Jesus desired her to be. It isn't always pretty folks. I know deep in my heart there is something more that the Body of Christ is called to be and God will get us there. If I truly believe He can do "all things" than I should stop doubting that He can make His Bride spotless and beautiful. Maybe I am called to be a part of that transformation.

If any of you struggle with this area I would highly, HIGHLY recommend reading this book. After reading spend time with the Lord and ask Him to help you sift through your own experiences with the church at large. I will guarantee you many of those times the church hurt you or let you down that Jesus was not there personally doing that. Many times if not every time He was there grieving as much as you were.

I have a bit more soul searching to do on this topic. I am not quite there yet. I constantly get frustrated and stirred by the church but I want to be in a position to help Jesus Bride not stumble her any more. I publicly repent now for the times I have spoken against the church and Body at large because of my frustrations. I was wrong and know that I was not only speaking against the Body of Christ but Christ Himself when I put the church down.

It still may take some time before we see transformation happen but I so desire to see it through. I am determined to work through my disillusionment and find God's true perspective on this issue, no matter how many times I have to go before Him about this.

Seriously, pick up a copy of this book. It is really good!!

My Meltdown

Today was a sad day in the Livin' household history...today I had an all out meltdown in public no less. It happened at our local grocery store at the pharmacy. I know the tension and stress in our lives has been piling up but I thought I could make it through. I kept telling myself that God doesn't give us what we can't handle. He knows our breaking point. Well...I guess I caved sooner than expected.

We are going through a lot here. My husbands job has really put stress on our family and our marriage and it has taken its toll. My husband is not the issue it's just he has been slammed with so many projects and deadlines that we basically pass each other in the night. It has been a hard season. Then there are other things that are causing enormous stress here that would probably take up entire posts in themselves. I just kept trying to keep my focus on Christ and keep plowing through them all...until today.

Today was the straw that broke this mama's back. I had to take DK into the doctors for asthma issues and what seemed like an Upper Respiratory Infection. After seeing the Doc my assumptions were confirmed with the added sinus infection to boot. The doctor filled out 5 prescriptions for me to take and then gave DK the H1N1 vaccine. His UR issues concerned the doctor and he wanted to make sure DK had protection against this virus. Their office alone is seeing 10 cases at least a day of the swine flu. The other doctor in the practice told me that everyone coming in with the flu has the swine flu version. So I prayed over DK before the shot and watched my brave little guy take the vaccine.

Then it was off to the pharmacy. I handed in my prescriptions and went to get DK lunch before taking him back to school. When I came back the pharmacist dropped the hammer. They could only fill 3 out of the 5 prescriptions. One had to be authorized by the doctor and there was some discussion about how I had to take care of that. Very confusing especially since this med never needed to be pre-authorized before. After that she informed me that I can only get one inhaler per month. I tried explaining to her that one inhaler was for home and the other is for the school. I showed her the prescription as evidence but there was no arguing the cause. At this point I could feel myself getting overwhelmed and upset. I just tried to continue and keep myself from falling apart.

Finally they rang the 3 prescriptions and they totaled up to $100. What!!! I asked if there were any generics for these meds but the problem was the inhaler. The stupid government banned the old generic inhalers because they were using chemicals that were depleting the Ozone. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about saving our environment but give me a break! You are telling me that changing all inhalers to this more expensive, better for the environment kind is going to help our depleting ozone and global warming. Please...someone go after the car industry and industrial plants with their pollution and leave us asthmatic patients alone. One inhaler is over $50 each with no generic form. That's when I broke down in tears. We don't make a lot of money because we choose to allow me to be home for the boys. $100 in prescriptions is a lot of money out of an already tight budget plus we don't get paid until Friday. I didn't know if we had enough money to cover the meds.

I know it's not the pharmacists fault but I lost it. I was upset, crying and angry. I tried hard to explain to the ladies I was not mad at them but just upset with the situation. I retired to the van and called my husband. It was awful. I hate breaking down on him when he's at work. It's not like he needs any more stress but I had had it. I lost all my resolve, my strength and my emotional fortitude. I guess it didn't help that I had three dreams last night where I woke up screaming. So really I had little sleep too.

Now I am home and recomposed. I feel like a failure. I didn't show Christ to anyone today. I feel tired of this battle and ready for it to be over. I will continue on though...taking one step at a time. I needed to share that with you all, I am not sure why but maybe for my own sanity. I don't always have it together. I am not always strong. I am just so darn glad I can fall and then have a loving heavenly Father who picks me up. He doesn't even look at me as a failure. He just cries with me and holds me when I have no strength left in me to continue on.

I know in my heart of hearts we will get through this season. I know that this is the fire that will turn our simple offering into pure gold but it isn't easy. Anyone who tells you that life is easy when following the Lord is a liar. The Lord tells us we will have trouble in this world but to take heart because He has overcome this world. It isn't getting through life happy and blissfully its moving from glory to glory. Today wasn't very glorious for me but it is just another way the Lord can refine me.

A Visionary Learning to Rest...

I am what you call a visionary. Nothing fancy just someone who is always looking at the big picture and tends to forget the details of things here and there because my sights are always set for the horizon. I am also a very passionate person driven by my beliefs and convictions. In life this isn't bad but it needs to be tempered with some good doses of the here and now and restfulness. I guess that's why God put me with my Knight. He is an excellent daily source of the here and now and rest. He completes me. :)

In this season though the Lord is teaching me to rest. When your leader skills primarily come from vision you can tend to get ansy when things aren't going as you planned or "envisioned" them. Especially in regards to your walk with the Lord. I tend to get words from the Lord or hear Him speak to me about my life and then I wait patiently for Him to move. NOT!

Actually I hear or receive things from the Lord and then expect immediate results. I get easily frustrated when what the Lord spoke or promised doesn't come to pass quickly. Because of my vision type leadership I then feel I need to "do" something. I also second guess myself. "Did I hear right? Am I not doing the right things? Was that really the Lord or just that late night sub?"

This then gets me in trouble. I am now coming to grips with the reality that I need to rest. Vision is great but if you cannot trust in what the Lord has said then what's the point of listening. I will just keep giving up and moving on to something else and miss the blessing. Right now I am learning to walk this out. Let me tell you it isn't easy for me. I want to run and do and work but God keeps bringing me back to rest. He asks me "Do you trust me? Do you believe I am who I say I am? Then don't worry and rest." OK God, easier said then done but I will submit to this season.

So now I wait on Him as we wait on some promises. Some of the promises are for myself, my family, my husband and some are even larger in scope like for our State and Nation. In the midst of the waiting I must keep reminding myself of God's promises. I must rest in the assurance of who He says He is. This is a very difficult lesson for me to be learning but I keep telling God to help me so I don't have to come around this mountain again. I see the importance of those who lead out of Rest and those who lead out of Vision but I am really seeing the critical need to land some where in the middle of that spectrum. Jesus is our perfect example, he was not too far one way or the other. He knew who He was, what the Father wanted Him to do and He was great at just resting in that and not striving to make things work.

If you see me around and I am acting a little odder than normal you can just know that I am in the midst of learning a tough but needed lesson. I never thought resting could be such a difficult and tiring thing to do. :)

The Ups & Downs Of Parenting

There are days when I feel as though I am on a roller coaster with my kids. As a parent you don't always know which way is up and when the track will take another immediate turn. Lately we have been on a new ride with Shaggy. He seems a bit more unpredictable with his emotions and testing his boundaries lately. Don't get me wrong, he's not in total rebellion or anything but it is a difficult stage. One moment things are great and we seem to be all happy and with a blink of an eye he is now mad or upset and refusing to obey. With that of course comes discipline but it still doesn't feel like we are getting any where with this at the moment. We seem to circle the same mountain a couple times in our day.

I have become very good lately at reading the atmosphere of the room before I walk in. Is it time to start up intense prayer or are we in a good state of mind right now? Shaggy is going to be turning 11 in Oct. and so I have been hotly pursuing the feet of Jesus asking what to do. Am I the issue here Lord, is Scott the issue or are we not meeting a need in Shagy's life? What is it? The answer I have been receiving over and over again has surprised me. I guess it shouldn't but it has.

The Lord keeps reminding me of our butterfly's. He shows me this picture of Shaggy tightly bound in a cocoon. He is struggling to get out. Then I heard the Lord say this to me..."You and Scott have raised your sons to become men. You have set your standard high. Shaggy is now wrestling with Me and his identity as a man of Christ. Many young boys struggle with becoming a man but start later in life closer to their late teens. This becomes a problem because they are no longer in a safe environment. Their wrestling now becomes entangled with society and the pressures of life. They have less boundaries and therefor push further than they can at 11 or 12. Shaggy has begun the process, let him struggle. A butterfly who is not allowed to push it's way out of the cocoon will prematurely die. The process of pain in a butterfly's life produces it's beauty."

We have always respected various cultures that have a "coming of age" ceremony for boys. You can pin point a distinct time in their culture when the young man is no longer recognized as a boy and has now transformed into a man. The Jewish culture in particular marks the age 13. At that age the young man goes through his Bar-mitzvah and is recognized into manhood. Scott and I have really felt that 13 will be the age for our boys too. We have told them that on their 13th birthday they will have a special party to celebrate their manhood.

This is why I feel we are going through this with Shaggy. In his spirit he knows the time is coming and he is beginning the process of transformation now.

I know you might be asking what about girls & their "coming of age" issues but I have to defer that point to someone else because we don't have any girls. I can say this, that I just witnessed our neighbors big "Sweet 16" party for their oldest daughter. I remember having my "Sweet 16" party too. We also embrace young women when they get their first period. It can be a joyous occasion for many families. But what do we do for our young me?. At 18 we can send them off to fight for our country but many don't even know if they are a "man" yet.

We have chosen to embrace man-hood here at the Livin' household and celebrate it at 13. I believe because of that decision we are going through some of these rough times now where others may experience later on. So I will continue to ride the ride. I will continue to pray fervently for me boys. Thankfully with an analogy of a roller coaster you know there is an end. You finally shoot through your last loop and wind around your last corner to reach the exit platform. It's not always fun but it's in God's hands. I just got to remember sometimes to sit back and enjoy the ride.

A Brand New Journey For Me

It is now three weeks and counting until I start my brand new journey. I have finished our church's School of Ministry and the opportunity to take an internship opened up for my husband and I this fall. For the most part our church funnels interns into various areas of ministry with in the church but a different door opened for Scott and I. One of the ministries that works closely with our church and various other church's in our region offered to take us on as interns for the year. This is something brand spanking new for our School of Ministry and for Scott and I. We have never worked outside of our church through ministry before.

Teaching The Word Ministry is located in Lancaster, Pa an hour away from our home. After much prayer on both sides we came together two weeks ago to confirm the Lords hand in this new endeavor. Wow, what a new journey this will be unfolding for us. Scott will be still working a full time job so TTWM has offered to incorporate him in evening functions and weekend seminars. For me however, I will be traveling twice a week to their office and working from there. Then the other two days I will be working from home.

This is very exciting but at the same time it is rocking my world. You see I did not work in a corporate setting before I got married. I never even stepped into an office before that. I was a Nurses Aide in nursing homes before I became pregnant and stayed home with the boys. I guess you can say I traded in adult size diapers for little ones when I transferred over to motherhood. Working in a Nursing Home is nothing like office work either. Basically your left on your own to care for patients. Other then your patients you don't have much interaction with people. Especially on the floors I worked on because it was an intensive care/dementia unit. Most of the people I worked with were either in a vegetative state or trapped deep within the recesses of their minds. Not much difference then working with newborns, toddlers or preschoolers just on a larger scale.:)

So I am nervous. I am scared a bit. I am unsure of my own abilities and giftings. I think to myself "Are we certain everyone heard correctly from the Lord. Remember now I am just a mom." I have realized even though I never meant for my identity to get wrapped up in my daily duties of a mom it has. It is hard for me to see past myself as a mother but I know God did not just make me to be a mom. Its not my identity. Right now I am seeing that I need an identity upgrade and perhaps this internship is a tool the Lord is going to use to do that. We sat with the team at TTWM and they showed us an outline of everything we will be trained to do this year. Wow, talk about intense!

The amazing thing was their take on my participation. They explained that for each step I will be trained and then released into each of those areas of ministry. What??? You mean I actually have to do stuff other then organize the supply closet?? Are you kidding me?? As you can see I am a little overwhelmed at this whole new journey. I am definitely ready and willing to obey the Lord and take on this internship but it doesn't mean my knees won't be a knocking. It's time for me to take the plunge. It's time for me to learn new things and go on a new and exciting adventure. I have to come up with an "Internship Expectation" list. So far all I can come up with is 1) I survive the internship!!! So if you think of me this fall pray for me. I am interested in seeing what the Lord is going to do in and through Scott and I both and our children. So here we go!!!

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" -Charles Dickens

I know I used this title for my face book status line but that's where we are right now. Dickens is another highly favorite author of mine. I just broke down and took the Tale of Two Cities out of the library to read again. I love this quote.

As a parent you can be your child's hero and enemy all in the same moment. You get the smiles and laughs and then 'poof' the tears start flowing and they hate you. I thought for some naive reason we would escape some of the pre-teen/teenage drama because we have boys but was I completely mistaken.

Don't get me wrong we have been experiencing some great things in our home surrounding our boys. Rocker and Shaggy have been devouring the Bible at night on their own. They have been stepping up more in boldness and confidence about their beliefs. Just this past weekend our church had the Alter Team Ministry pray for those who wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit and/or speaking in tongues and all three of the boys (who are filled with both) got up and ministered with us. It was awesome!!

The boys are actually excited about my internship I will be starting in Sept. and want to participate as much as they can. I mean last night our 10 & 9 year old asked to participate in the Ministries Staff Bible Study that Scott and I were asked to join in on. We did not even think about asking them but they volunteered on their own. Wow, God is moving.

Then you have the moments as a mom or dad where you could literally beat your head against a wall for 2 hours. Brothers picking on each other and irritating the crap out one another. The constant needs of a family always lurking in the shadows of your day. I don't think walking in fullness of Christ means that life will be perfect but as Charles Dickens so aptly put it you will experience "...the best of times [and] the worst of times". I no longer live in survival mode but I feel as though I have broken into "thrivival" mode (if Shakespeare can make up words so can I). My family and I are thriving in the Lord.

If I let my expectations of what "thriving" looks like get in the way, then I will kick back into striving and surviving. I was asking the Father about that very thing yesterday. I have been talking to some moms in the early years of parenting and everyone of them are struggling with survival. I asked the Father "Can even moms of young ones thrive in God? Or will we always just survive?" The answer was interesting...He asked me some questions.

• Did you thrive or survive as a young mom?
• What helps you thrive now, what's the key now?
• What do you expect or think of when you hear the word thrive?

Hmmmmmmmm? As a young mom I believe I walked the line of survival and thriving constantly. I never really got my foot on one side of the fence for too long. I can see looking back it had to do personally with my healing. When I was seeking the Lord and moving forward with His truth I could plant my feet firmly on the "thrivival" side, but when I began to depend on my own understanding and my own expectations of how I felt things should look I jumped back onto the barren wastelands of survival. I see now that when my views and thoughts are constantly being taken before the Lord for truth I can peacefully live and thrive as a mom. That doesn't mean at all that my life is perfect. I just have come to that truth and peace it doesn't have to, to thrive in Christ. The key is dependence on God and His view of life.

Right now I take each moment as it comes. I wish I had done that more when my kids were younger. I got so caught up at times in the years to come or the ministry of the future that I missed what was staring me right in the face...life. I don't have a 5 year plan. God can do whatever He wants with me whenever He wants me too. For example I have peace about taking on this internship for a year but God is in control so after this year I will find out what He wants me to do then.

Shaggy and Rocker are both hitting puberty right now and with it, it brings many ups and downs to our family but we are learning to ride the ride. It's hard for young boys (and girls I just don't have any) to become adults. We have great days and then there are those days we completely crash and burn into a fiery wreckage. Does it mean we are not thriving? No! We are because I know this is just the process of a boy becoming a man and we are to patiently walk with them through this. Some days we can just sit back and enjoy watching these guys become the men of God they were created to be and other days we pray a lot and wipe away the tears.

If you feel as though right now you are in survival mode I encourage you to begin to ask the Lord about you expectations of life right now. Ask Him to show you ways in which you and your entire family can thrive. It may come at a cost. Maybe you have to give up so extra things you are involved in to make sure you are not too stretched. Too many things on the calendar can bring on survival mode very quickly. Maybe you just need a picture from the Lord about how He sees your life. Thriving depends solely on your dependence on God where as Survival is all about dependence on self. Believe me ladies I did survival mode and dependence on self, its not any fun at all. Choose to depend on God and begin to thrive, just realize and accept in the midst of even thriving you will still have the good, the bad and the ugly but you get to see it all through the eyes of the Father.

The Mommy Lie- Part Two

Now that you know about the Mommy Lie how do you walk in your calling while raising wee ones and help them step out in their calling? One thing is really taking hold of the truth that you are not going to miss out on what God is doing. I used to hear Pastor Dave (our senior pastor at CCC) give testimonies of how the Lord moving in our region. It was exhilarating to hear the testimonies. I heard people talk about praying and seeing miracles in grocery stores or while walking out in their neighborhoods. Even with the excitement came the condemnation, shame and guilt. I can tell you with 3 under the age of 3 I didn't feel much like praying in stores and the only thing I was focused on while taking walks in my neighborhood was my children not hitting each other or chasing them down the street. I remember once in Walmart with all three boys stuffed in my cart crying I just prayed asking the Lord to send someone to pray for me. Forget praying for someone else at that point.

I felt like I was missing it all and the kids were the cause of it but guess what?! I wasn't. Maybe I wasn't praying for the masses but I was praying for my kids. I was seeing my guys pray for one another. I was hearing them tell me stories about angels visiting them at night. Those my dear ladies are priceless moments!

We started early with the boys teaching them to hear God's voice. Not because I am all that and a bag of chips when it comes to holiness but because of the season of healing the Lord had me in. I knew the boys needed to hear His voice and receive healing also. Unknown to me though it was a perfect way to start them walking in their calling. We talked a lot about God's voice and what it sounds like. We prayed for one another in our house. One minute they were telling me about God's love and then very next minute they were Batman, Superman & Green Lantern defending the universe from some alien planets invassion. You know the Father told me that was OK. We began reading the Bible to them every night. Not dry and bland but dramatic and with flare. They could re-enact what we were reading or I would dramatize it for them. Use your imagination, be creative. Make God real and alive to your kids.

The other thing we did was start incorporating the boys into ministry with us. I know this began when they were a little older but we just didn't want it to be mom and dad go here and you guys go over there. We started ministering as a family in our Children's Ministry. We taught preschool and our kids helped. Even as preschoolers they helped us teach and pray. I know this sounds like a Children's Ministry plug but start ministering where your kiddos are at. You don't have to be there forever but move up through ministry opportunities with your kids.

Take your kids with you. Whenever I was asked to help at church or any where I brought the boys and gave them simple jobs to do to help me. Boys especially like to work and feel needed. Ask the Lord to show you ways in which you can incorporate your children into what you and your family love to do with the Lord. Remember though...don't put a huge expectation on them. They may only do it for 5-10 minutes and then want to play. That's OK. Flow with their attention span.

Also don't be afraid of their age. At 5 our son Rocker heard about a missions trip he wanted to go on. My husband and I thought it was impossible and a bit crazy but not God. At 5 years old Rocker and I went to a closed nation (meaning they do not openly accept Christians) and delivered God's Word. 5 years old!!!! God gave him the desire and the supernatural strength and patience to do it at age 5. He has never been the same. Age has no meaning to the Holy Spirit. Just remember to except their age and when they are done let them be done and roll with it. Working on the Prayer Team at church we have come to understand if we only pray with one person and the kids are done then we are done. I have seen the Lord time and time again move us up to another level with Him as a family. No one is left behind. Just think about it. As you move into more and more of your calling and gifting so do your kids to the point where everyone in your family is being fulfilled in Christ. You just got to love it.

I can't tell you how much I have felt fulfilled and free by grasping on to this truth. I have found peace as a mom. I am not living through my kids but neither am I excluding them from my life. We walk as one. I love the US Army's logo Army of One. I can say with all honesty that as you take hold of the truth that your children are a gift and were given at the perfect time and that you are not missing out on anything then you will begin to walk in such peace and fulfillment. You will see ministry opportunities not only open up for yourself but for you as a family and your children. My sons are 10, 9 & 7 now. These years have flown by. I know in the thick of it, it doesn't feel like these year will be over any time soon but time is fleeting and before you know it you will have ample time to have "your own ministry". Cherish your kids and the ministry you share as a family now. Let go of the Mommy Lie and grab hold of God's truth.

The Mommy Lie- Part One

Matt. 25:21&23

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things."

How many times have I heard this verse used in reference to mommy-hood. Oh my goodness, too many to count. It seems like one of those all-purpose verses we like to stick on every circumstance that comes our way. You know how you have an all-purpose cleaner you can supposedly use to clean everything with but in reality the window cleaner cleans the windows the best and the oven cleaner cleans the oven the best. That's how I have come to feel about his verse. We don't know the real meaning behind the verse so we stick it on everything. It works. Try it. You can say it too your kids when they are struggling with school, you can say it to your spouse regarding work and you can say it to yourself as you raise your children. Even though it has been used in such a manner I don't believe the Holy Spirit really wants it to be so flippantly quoted.

I have heard it said so many times to moms struggling in the early years of child rearing. "If you are faithful in the little things now the Lord will give you so much more." It is being referenced to children. I don't know if it is society, western culture or and the Body at large that gives this impression to moms but it is there. The Mommy Lie consists of us believing our children are our "little" ministry endeavor now and latter the Lord will bless us with a greater ministry. That's just not true.

I used to believe this lie. I had so many people tell me, "Livin, one day you are going to have a powerful ministry. The Lord is going to work mightily through you to reach others. Be patient now as you raise your children your ministry will come." I honestly became bitter towards my children and the Lord for giving them to me. They are interrupting my plans and my ministry opportunities. Now granted I loved my kids but think about it, every time a conference came I couldn't go because of my little kids. Every time their was a ministry opportunity I couldn't do it because of my little kids. Bitterness began to creep into me even with my undying love for my children.

The Lord took many years to knock some sense into me but I finally heard the truth about the Mommy Lie. My kids are the "greater" things not the little. I do believe this verse in Matthew does speak about the Lord giving us small portions of our destinies, giftings and ministries so that we may build on to each level but this has nothing to do with children. I looked this verse forwards and backwards and upside down. This verse does not have anything to do with raising kids.

Your children are your greatest ministry. Think of it this way, what if you had a powerful ministry like Joyce Myers but your children never encountered the Lord? What if you could see miracles and signs and wonders but your children never stepped into their destinies? Would your ministry be fulfilling? My heart and the heart of my husband is to see that each and every person in our family walks in the fullness their destiny. I have found that when I stopped seeing my children as a hindrance to my ministry or calling I found rest. I wasn't rushing through life and I wasn't holding on to bitterness either. Wether you have children or not your calling will make room for you, you don't have to make room for your calling.

I have also found that we now move as a unit. I love and have loved watching my children step into their calling at very young ages. They honestly have taught me more than any preacher or conference could ever have about God.

So next time you hear "Well if you are just faithful in this right now you will be given much" in regards to your kids just tell them "No thank you." Or if you are like me "Just shut-up will you."

Since I wrote a lot today I will share with you tomorrow how to walk in your calling with young ones while training them up to walk in their callings...

Still More on THe Butterfly's

Our Butterfly story starts over here but we had some interesting things happen along this process that both my Knight and I feel are relevant to the Body of Christ at large. Originally we were not sure if all the caterpillars would make it through the metamorphosis process. One caterpillar really struggled with the cocoon process and it formed into a odd looking chrysalis. At first we thought it might have died but my Knight kept waiting and hoping.

Here is where our story continues...all the butterfly's emerged right after we broke out fast except one. Not until Sunday afternoon did we see some sign of life as the cocoon started to wiggle. Finally after a long battle out popped a butterfly, but something was wrong. The butterfly was deformed. We waited all day to see if the wings would unfurl but unfortunately one did not. We finally let the other butterfly's go as you can see here...


They were healthy and flitting around the container very happily. It was time to allow them to fully fly. Unlike the deformed one these guys took right to the sky, fulfilling their destiny as a butterfly. It was cool to watch them go.

I was able to capture one quickly with the camera as it landed near by before taking off again.


Unfortunately this guy is still in our home. It will live it's life cycle out in the butterfly cage as we give it sugar water to survive. You can see in the picture above that its one wing never formed properly. We have no idea why but we really felt the Lord was speaking to us and showing us something very vital to the Body of Christ at this time. My Knight had a word from the Lord earlier and then we both received the rest of it Sunday evening. This is what the Father spoke...

"Like these butterfly's each of my people will go through a process of transformation. It isn't a question of will you but when will you. Like these butterfly's it is necessary to your destiny and calling. You can do one of two things, either except the process and allow it to transform you into something beautiful or fight the process and risk damaging your spirit or even worse cause spiritual death. If a butterfly fights the process or tries to emerge to soon then it will be crippled or may even die. I want to release each and every one of My people to fly into all I have called you to but you must submit to My process.

Do not become bitter with Me or those around you during this process. Do not resist My process. Do not try to manipulate My process or get through it too quickly. Each of these things will bring destruction to your life spiritually. If someone fights My process too much and becomes spiritually deformed and unable to fly I still love them and take care of them but like the little butterfly I will keep it safe in My hands where it will never be released into it's full potential. My Bride is becoming the spotless bride I have called her to be but she must go through the process of transformation. Only then will she be ready for My Son's return. I want you to fly My child, My love."

As hard as things have been around here I see God's fingerprints all over my life and my family's life. The process is hard but not to torment us but to bring us to even greater freedom. I don't like the process but I see the sky before me and I want to fly. I keep looking at our little wounded butterfly and I feel so sad that it will never take off as the others did. We will take car of it until it is done it's life cycle but I so want it to be free and fly. I see the Fathers heart now. No matter how hard the process is I want us all to fly!!

Conditions for a Miracle are Impossibilities!

I highly recommend watching this movie. It can be a little slow at times but the testimony of this family is remarkable. I say testimony because it is based on a true story. A friend at my husbands work told us we needed to watch this and we put it off for a month or so. Finally last night we rented this, Robots and Expelled. Let me rabbit trail here to say I highly recommend Expelled too!

Our faith is being grown. We are standing in a place of impossibilities so a miracle must be around the corner. Watching this movie we began to see what happens when faith is put to work in your life. It can move mountains!! The Lord spoke to me one night about this housing situation we are in and told me it wasn't really about blessing us with a house. He choose the housing process to grow us and work in our hearts. This is more about us than it is about a house. Ahhhhhha! The light bulb went on. Our revelation of God needed an upgrade. Our picture of God needed to be stretched. Maybe we saw Him as an 8x10 but He wants us to see Him as a billboard. So how does this work?

Well, Sat we went to look at a house. It was in a 100% financing zone and it was in our price range. It wasn't everything the Lord had us write down that we needed in a house but it could work. Hint, hint we could make it work. After leaving that house, my Knight and I began to talk. We were heading right to church that evening so we had to talk fast. I heard the Realtor say "This is your only chance guys. It is basically what you wanted and there might not be another. You are asking for too much with what you can do and afford." That hit like a cement truck. During service I could not worship. The weight of this just left me incapacitated. I kept asking God to take it away so I could worship Him but I heard Him gently tell me "I would rather you sit down here and talk to me then sing an empty song to me." I worried about what others might think as I sat in prayer instead of praise but again I hear the voice of God speak softly "I don't care. Just sit."

As I sat there the Father and I conversed back and forth. Like an awesome Father He is it wasn't all about giving me the answer, He asked a lot of questions. The one question that really got me was "Could you make this work?" I replied "Yes Father." "Then do you want to make it work or do you want to see Me do a miracle? The choice is yours. You can make it work or you can watch Me do something impossible. I am using this to not only to stretch you and Scott but also your Realtor. He is a man of God but his faith needs an upgrade. He will be a blessing to many in the real-estate realm if he witnesses My hand. Imagine how he will approach other couples if he see how I blessed you."

This has turned up the heat and raised the ante. It no longer is just about us but it will impact others. To confirm that word the Movie demonstrated this when Angus and his wife Jill heard God tell them to plant potatoes in a drought. Potatoes being one of the hardest crops to raise could not survive a drought. He obeyed at the mocking of many. Come time to harvest there had been no rain. In agricultural terms there should be no potatoes. That was an impossibility. When they dug into the ground they not only found potatoes but huge ones and it became a bumper crop. The whole town came out to witness it and were forever changed.

This is definitely stretching me. I would like to crawl in my self sufficient hole and not emerge until the fall but then I will not encounter God. I choose to be extreme for Him and step out when He tells me too because I want whatever He has got. Desire more!! Sacrifice all so you can go for the full bounty of the Lord. Let God set the table for miracles with impossibilities in your life. Don't pull back from impossibilities but embrace them and get ready for your miracle. We are!

When All Hell Breaks Out Against You, You Just Need The Angel of The Lord

Today my mind was swirling with negativity, sadness, heaviness and hopelessness. I was not sure of anything in my life. I felt abandoned and rejected. I took it personally questioning my own faith in God not realizing all Hell had been charged with orders to attack, kill and destroy.

While standing at my oven battling thought after thought something moved out of the corner of my left eye. It was something like a person. It was so real I thought my Knight had come home to help his crazy wife. Then it quickly walked behind me. I felt the floor move and I could feel a person brushing by my back. As I turned I was met with a Man in Armor in my Kitchen. I just stood still.

I asked the Lord why was he here. This is the conversation that ensued "All hell is coming against you and Scott. He is the 'Angel of the Lord'. He will be your rear guard." My mind immediately flashed to Joshua. The 'Angel of the Lord' came to him in a time of great struggle and battle. But wait! That was really Jesus! As I looked at Him I asked if that meant what I thought it meant. I heard the Lord concur. I was standing in the presence of Jesus seeing Him as a Warrior. Silence fell on me and I couldn't speak. Finally I felt prompted to go downstairs and put on praise and worship music and soak. Jesus disappeared. I could no longer see Him but as soon as I sat on our couch I felt someone sit next to me. Again I could no longer see but I felt Him. I felt a hand on my head.

I tried asking what to pray and what to do but all I heard was "be silent and rest." I sat their with my head in my hands and for the first time in my life I had not one thought. My mind was at perfect peace. I listened to the music and in the midst of the peace fell asleep. I awoke to my husband calling. We talked about what happened. I feel so refreshed right now. My mind is quiet and peaceful. I am ready to continue this journey. I believe this all came about because the love and prayers of my spiritual mom and dad. Apparently my dad prayed with my husband early this morning that the Lord would encounter me. Uhhh, can you say the prayers of a righteous man avails much!

Lord continue to encounter me and my family and my loved ones near and far!! We need you in the midst of these dark days. Come and reveal yourself to your Bride more and more. Let this be but the beginning!

I Just Wish I Knew What We Are Supposed To Do Next...

We have felt the Lord say to us go and buy a house this year. It isn't that we have been wanting a new house or frustrated with the one we are living in, we just heard Him say to go buy a house this year. In obedience we began the step by step process. First we had a financial counselor at our church go over are finances. It was kind of our fleece. If the financial counselor told us no this would not be a wise decision than we would stop moving forward. To our surprise he said he thought we were hearing from the Lord and we could keep moving forward.

This has been the most stressful and nauseating experience I have ever been through and we have been through some tough times. Our marriage has been dropped into a pressure cooker and it's not holding up to well. On top of that my Knight's job has just been horrific. Late nights, working weekends and little to no communication has just made for a perfect storm in our life. We feel it, the kids feel it and probably our neighbors see it.

We are stalled out in the process of buying a house and we just don't know what the next step is. Right now it is all God or nothing. I knew this would be a leap of faith for us but I didn't realize how much we would be tested on it. I didn't realize just us believing we heard the voice of God would be tested. I thought people got amazing revelations from God and bada bing bada bang things happen. That's not quite the case here. I haven't been in this process long and I am already done. I am quite satisfied to stay where we live now and quit looking for a house but I know that isn't what God has for us. So we now wait for the next step. I feel like I am totally missing the mark and not hearing and not understanding and ....well you know the deadly spiral this could turn into. If you think about us at all in the next several days or so please pray for us. We want to be obedient but the pressure of it all feels to overwhelming. We also need a big breakthrough. We have hit a wall and without God's complete intervention we can go no where. So please pray for us. Things are hotter than hades at our house and I imagine things are only going to get worse before they get better. You know the old saying "It gets darker before the dawn."