Do you or have you ever battled with low self-esteem? And not just the "it's that time of the month, I feel boated and fat" kind of low self-esteem, I mean the down and dirty, don't want to look at yourself in the mirror low self-esteem. I have gone through seasons where my self-esteem has been low but right now it is at an all time bottom. For a while I was OK with myself. I felt fairly comfortable in my own skin but for the last 3 months or maybe even more I have been in an all out war with my mind about how I look and feel.
I know since turning 30 I started to realize my body has changed and unlike in my 20's it just doesn't do or feel like it used to. Lately though I have not gotten through a day without the onslaught of negative thoughts about myself. There are areas of my thought life that I have become victorious in but my appearance/self-esteem is not one of those areas. A couple months ago I fasted for a week because the Lord laid it on my heart to do so. It was a hard week but the Lord came through powerfully. Because of fasting I lost 8 lbs. It was not a goal I had set for myself but when you are not eating, only drinking logically you will lose some weight. I knew eventually I would gain it back. During that week I got a comment that I looked really good and trim. The person who made the comment knew I was fasting, so it wasn't just a mistaken comment about weight loss. Wow, could 8 lbs really make a difference? Do I need to be that little to be attractive? It has bothered me ever since. My mind began to go back to the days I used to purposely not eat to lose weight. I can't believe after all these years of being free from that I see it trying to creep back into my life.
Another reason my self-esteem has been low, I believe, is the lack of time with my husband. He has been traveling a lot lately and working around the clock. By the time he gets home at night he's tired and his mind is preoccupied with deadlines. It is not his fault by any means but I can feel the effects. I don't hear the "You look nice honey" or "Wow you look beautiful today" any more. I know my self worth and value should not be so determined by someones words but I can tell the lack of encouraging words from my Love plays a crucial part in my battle.
So what to do. I have banned myself from keeping up with celebrities or glancing at them online, in the news or where ever. Their tiny, well exercised, toned bodies just become wrecking balls to my own self-esteem. I begin to entertain thoughts of maybe that's why Scott doesn't say much any more, maybe I have let myself go. Or that's why that person said that comment because I really do need to lose 10-20 lbs. I want to be happy with who I am and what I look like. I want to be comfortable with my weight and my looks. I struggle with other physical things like acne and such that slowly erode my self-esteem too. I don't want these things to keep me down any more but I will just be very frank and honest it is so darn hard. We live in a society that places so much worth and value on your appearance.
The Lord has spoken to me about this battle. Interestingly enough He did not condemn or judge me for struggling but just asked me to continue moving forward and battling this. He didn't show me a magical pill to take that would make all these thoughts disappear but He just said don't stop keep going. Sometimes we fail in life. Sometimes we give in instead of pressing forward but the point is we get back up and take another step. My focus right now is what do you want me to know today Lord? What is the Truth that will get me through today? Eventually I will be on the other side of this, victorious and rejoicing in my new found freedom but today I am in the war. I am on the front-lines picking my way through the battle field, hoping not to step on another land mine. Hopefully, in the end my battle scars will help bring others freedom to this area in their own lives. Now I need to go and battle whether I am going to have a cup of coffee this morning or not. That is more sugar that I don't need yet I would really like to have it. Ohhhhhh, the things going on in my head right now. Blaahhhhhh!
1 comment:
Amazing, how the evil one torments us! But that's what he does, that's who he is...a big liar and tormentor.
The truth is that what you hear in your head is A BIG, FAT LIE!!!! You are one of the most beautiful women I know plus or minus 8 pounds!!!!
When we had lunch together, I marveled at your beauty as we spoke of our Love-Jesus! BUT the way I see you, the way others see you(even your husband) will never make a lasting impact. You need a revelation of how Jesus sees you!
My husband tells me all the time that I'm beautiful(he's not just talking about physical beauty), BUT I couldn't recieve what he said or what anyone else would say until Jesus touched me.
I was around 35 years old at the time and was just having me eyes opened to my destiny and beginning to walk in it, when one Sunday afternoon after awaking from a nap, I heard angelic voices singing. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit so strongly that I didn't want to blink or even breathe because of the intensity of His Love. In those moments, I realized that I liked the woman I was becoming. No, more than like, I loved the woman I was becoming. This was a miracle, because I has struggled with my self esteem ALL of my life.
Now, if I need to lose weight (and I do), I do so because it makes me feel better physically and it helps me to fit into my clothes, not because I feel I need to be smaller to be accepted.
Jesus has delivered me from many strongholds, this being one. From glory to glory I am changed, you are changed.
Jesus, touch my beautiful friend and cause her to have a revelation of just how You see her...in splendor and glory and perfect beauty because You make her that way. AMEN!
Love you, Dear!
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