My Meltdown

Today was a sad day in the Livin' household history...today I had an all out meltdown in public no less. It happened at our local grocery store at the pharmacy. I know the tension and stress in our lives has been piling up but I thought I could make it through. I kept telling myself that God doesn't give us what we can't handle. He knows our breaking point. Well...I guess I caved sooner than expected.

We are going through a lot here. My husbands job has really put stress on our family and our marriage and it has taken its toll. My husband is not the issue it's just he has been slammed with so many projects and deadlines that we basically pass each other in the night. It has been a hard season. Then there are other things that are causing enormous stress here that would probably take up entire posts in themselves. I just kept trying to keep my focus on Christ and keep plowing through them all...until today.

Today was the straw that broke this mama's back. I had to take DK into the doctors for asthma issues and what seemed like an Upper Respiratory Infection. After seeing the Doc my assumptions were confirmed with the added sinus infection to boot. The doctor filled out 5 prescriptions for me to take and then gave DK the H1N1 vaccine. His UR issues concerned the doctor and he wanted to make sure DK had protection against this virus. Their office alone is seeing 10 cases at least a day of the swine flu. The other doctor in the practice told me that everyone coming in with the flu has the swine flu version. So I prayed over DK before the shot and watched my brave little guy take the vaccine.

Then it was off to the pharmacy. I handed in my prescriptions and went to get DK lunch before taking him back to school. When I came back the pharmacist dropped the hammer. They could only fill 3 out of the 5 prescriptions. One had to be authorized by the doctor and there was some discussion about how I had to take care of that. Very confusing especially since this med never needed to be pre-authorized before. After that she informed me that I can only get one inhaler per month. I tried explaining to her that one inhaler was for home and the other is for the school. I showed her the prescription as evidence but there was no arguing the cause. At this point I could feel myself getting overwhelmed and upset. I just tried to continue and keep myself from falling apart.

Finally they rang the 3 prescriptions and they totaled up to $100. What!!! I asked if there were any generics for these meds but the problem was the inhaler. The stupid government banned the old generic inhalers because they were using chemicals that were depleting the Ozone. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about saving our environment but give me a break! You are telling me that changing all inhalers to this more expensive, better for the environment kind is going to help our depleting ozone and global warming. Please...someone go after the car industry and industrial plants with their pollution and leave us asthmatic patients alone. One inhaler is over $50 each with no generic form. That's when I broke down in tears. We don't make a lot of money because we choose to allow me to be home for the boys. $100 in prescriptions is a lot of money out of an already tight budget plus we don't get paid until Friday. I didn't know if we had enough money to cover the meds.

I know it's not the pharmacists fault but I lost it. I was upset, crying and angry. I tried hard to explain to the ladies I was not mad at them but just upset with the situation. I retired to the van and called my husband. It was awful. I hate breaking down on him when he's at work. It's not like he needs any more stress but I had had it. I lost all my resolve, my strength and my emotional fortitude. I guess it didn't help that I had three dreams last night where I woke up screaming. So really I had little sleep too.

Now I am home and recomposed. I feel like a failure. I didn't show Christ to anyone today. I feel tired of this battle and ready for it to be over. I will continue on though...taking one step at a time. I needed to share that with you all, I am not sure why but maybe for my own sanity. I don't always have it together. I am not always strong. I am just so darn glad I can fall and then have a loving heavenly Father who picks me up. He doesn't even look at me as a failure. He just cries with me and holds me when I have no strength left in me to continue on.

I know in my heart of hearts we will get through this season. I know that this is the fire that will turn our simple offering into pure gold but it isn't easy. Anyone who tells you that life is easy when following the Lord is a liar. The Lord tells us we will have trouble in this world but to take heart because He has overcome this world. It isn't getting through life happy and blissfully its moving from glory to glory. Today wasn't very glorious for me but it is just another way the Lord can refine me.