I feel as though I have had the wind knocked out of me. As though everything I thought was reality has come crashing down around me and I am left with a void. I am not in a good place right now. I am angry with God. Yes I said it and mean it. I have lost hope in him and many other things and people.
I am tired of fighting this battle with no ending. I have fought since I was born and it just isn't worth fighting any more. I have been called a liar and rejected by family and lived a life of sacrifice for what? You know what though? God actually is not fazed by my attitude or lose of hope. If he is as big as everyone says he is than he is OK with me not being happy with him.
I can't stand watching friends go through hell and their family members die and people who say they are real not be. I can't stand the false world I live in and I don't have much hope any more of this ever changing.
I don't ask for help but for the ability to wade through the crap myself in my time. This post is a journal entry pure and simple. Its for me and no one else. I needed to release all this crap right now.
4 comments:
I know. It is really hard. I hate it. I hate this season. But, like Peter said to Jesus, "Where else can I go?" There is no turning back because even though this is hard, it's still better than the alternative. So, having done all to stand, I'm standing. Hopefully, soon, we'll be able to move forward, but for right now, standing is good enough. I'm standing for you too, sister.
I'm very sorry. Thank you for being transparent and authentic.
This season sucks tremendously.
May your atmosphere shift and shift tangibly!! And soon.
Dear Sweet Livin,'
I have found myself in this place too...wondering why God allows His people to twist the truth and outright lie, disbelieving that Christians, who should know better, constantly break the confidence entrusted to them, while others shift the blame to save themselves and their position. It's disheartening...THEN Jesus touches my soul, and I hear Him say, "It will be ok my Love, my beautiful one." "What can man do or say that would separate you from Me?" "Deny the emotional fallout of betrayal as many times as it takes until all you see is Me. The things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of My glory and grace."
You are loved by me, but much, much better than that, you are loved by HIM!!!
I've read and reread my comment to this post, Livin,' and have determined that I need to apologize to anyone who may have taken what I wrote and felt it was a negative criticism.
We would be deceived to believe that the Bride of Christ has attained perfection, therefore, when imperfection manifests, we (I) should not be surprised and respond the way I wrote in my first post (I am part of the imperfect Bride too).
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my statements. Please know that my heart was not meant to be one of negative criticism; I was discouraged when I wrote it.
I believe with all of my heart that our words have the power to change things for better or worse. We cannot ignore the imperfection, but our response to it must be a response of life, not discouragement.
May God's overwhelming Presence, blessings and Truth be upon all who read this response!
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