It's been quite a while since writing something...I have thought about going on here and trying to put into words the battle I have been facing but I would just end up staring at the cursor blinking off and on. The empty page seemed to sum up my heart at that time.
Right now I am working through the pain. It seems the Lord has allowed us to face an all out assault on our family for His purposes. Dissapointments, hurts, financial pain, emotional wounding, betrayal and much, much more. I thought I left the pain of wanting another child until I went without my period for 3 months and then convinced myself I was pregnant. My hopes were eventually dashed and the reality of never being able to carry another child again hit home. I know many talk to me about adopting and that is a strong avenue but you will never be able to take that longing away from me to want to feel a life growing inside of me. It's there and it hurts. I can't even be happy for others right now when I hear so-and-so is pregnant. We have prayed for 7 years now and the bleakness of that prayer ever coming to pass has just overwhelmed me.
Our Pastor recently spoke on being a Son & Daughter of God vs a servant of God. Whether he intentionally or unintentionally meant to he prefaced the sermon with testimonies of what a Son or Daughter looks like. These testimonies were everything going right, all the favor you could ever have and prayers being answered left and right. So then where does it leave us? What happens when God goes silent and prayers are delayed and problems come? Are we no longer Sons & Daughters? Are we now slaves & servants?
I don't believe so but I don't think giving testimonies of everything going right all the time are great either. We live in a fallen world and more times then not we need to hear about the struggles. Did you know that the word "hem" in Ps. 139:5 is not a happy word? We pray that a lot in our church meetings that God would "hem" us in when in actuality that means to crush, to imprison on all sides and to besiege by the hand of God. That's right I am not talking enemies coming against you I mean God is doing this. That is where we are right now "hemmed" in. Not only are we "hemmed" in but then the vs. continues to tell us God even has His hand on top of us. Now we are in God's own trash compactor. Yeah, think next time someone prays that over you.
This is not a fun place. It is a hard place. It is a place where you come face to face with your pain, your inadequacies, your beliefs are challenged and you wonder briefly is God a loving God? I do beleive He is but I am honest enough to tell you it does not make it one bit easier. You see others going through life right as rain and all the while you are getting hammered. What's wrong with this picture. So right now I am sitting in this "hemmed" in place. I cry a lot and my heart aches as though it has been torn from my chest at times and I desperately want some answers but then I am left to sit again in this dark lonely place. Like David though I will come through...hopefully. I will learn more and strengthen in areas that were weak but I don't like it. I want to have a baby, I want to not be hit by one more financial bombshell, I want some answers to prayers and I want to feel the joy of the Lord again. So I will wait for that season to come and work through the pain of this one. At least I can say I am still here. I haven't given up, at least not yet.
2 comments:
Words don't seem adequate, but I'm often thinking about you and praying for you. I think holding on to your belief that God is God whether good or bad things come your way is the truest testimony of faith.
You have been an inspiration to me for many years because you are willing to face the pain and seek healing.
Thank you...for being rawly honest. I know it's not easy. A lot of times we feel pressured to put on a smile- whether that comes from others of from us. Becky, you have such a beautiful heart. I just want to tell you that today. You are HIS treasure. And no matter what, no matter what season you're going through, no matter what you're feeling, Papa still calls you beautiful, His beloved. It is an honor to call you my friend and sister through our Jesus.
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