I really do. I cry at home with my kids or husband but only after there has been a pent up burst that flows from deep inside. Around others I am not able to release it. I was taken back by how so many women were touched by the Divine Connection at our Church last Friday. I too participated and then ministered. I was touched by the Father and blessed by His love but still no tears. As I looked around the room I noticed so many connecting with their emotions. Why wasn't I?
I have not been able too for years. Growing up you weren't aloud to cry. If things were bad enough you could tear up and cry some but not for long. At funerals you were told to stop crying because the person is gone and you don't have any reason to mourn. When the police came to my uncle's trailer to tell us my cousin was murdered my father told me I needed to hold it together and go pick up my family. I drove around NJ that afternoon numb to every emotion and feeling just doing what I was told to do. Now I pay the price. I have felt the Lord move powerfully in my life and I have had the tears flow but I feel as though there is more and I cannot connect with it. It's hard to be in a room with others crying. I feel uncomfortable and wish I could connect as easily as they do.
So what do I do? I pray and ask God to heal me. It has been many years of praying for release. I am still not there. So does that mean I didn't get as much out of the Divine Connection as others because of my stoic expression? No, the Lord affirmed me I did, He is just still working in and through me. I continue to pray and know one day the dam will be released and all those years will come pouring out. Knowing how the Lord works it will probably come when I least expect it and in a situation where I would least want it to happen. But it will come. Just some things that have been on my heart lately in the midst of the craziness.
1 comment:
Interesting...I have been a crier my whole life. The evil one lied to me as I was growing up saying that I was weak because of my overflow of emotions. I now know that my deep emotions are a gift from the Lord, IF they are controlled by His Spirit, they are a blessing to others and me.
I do feel as though the last several years have been ones of holding back in that area, however. Those who were aware of my past struggles with depression assumed that my tears were a sign of relapse, but they didn't really know me, then only saw tears and assumed.
Generally, when the Holy spirit touches me, I bawl, but my expression of His touch is only my expression. Each of us, feel and express differently. As a matter of fact, during "Divine Connection" I was surprised how I could feel the absolute peace of God without crying or even feeling like I needed to cry.
In Jesus name, touch Livin Life and cause her to feel and express every experience that a love relationship with You has to offer. No barriers, just a flow of whatever emotions bless her and others. AMEN!!!
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