Finding the Lord in our pain and pain filled memories is key to receiving the Father's truth. If we allow ourselves to become overwhelmed by our pain then many times we hear distorted truth. The Lord's truth filters through the pain and our interpretation of it is by how we feel. I found the Father there standing beside me. His arm was wrapped around my shoulders tightly. Trying to sort through the myriad of emotions was hard. I felt rejection, worthlessness and deep seated anger towards my mom. How could a mom tell that to her child? How could she treat me like that? All I could think of was my 3 boys and how devastated I would be to make them feel like that. So the Lord asked me to forgive my mom. The first step was to release and forgive my mom before we could move forward.
I didn't want to. I wanted to hold on to that anger as if my unforgivness would some how cause her pain. I honestly wanted her to hurt as badly as I did. Then quietly as if the Father was whispering through the hatred He asked me "May I show you how I see your mom?" His gentle, quiet voice broke through the hurricane of emotions. I felt a soothing breeze and knew with the Lord by my side it would be safe. So I agreed.
With that the monster I had distorted my mother into disappeared and I saw I young child. I recognized her immediately from old photos. It was my mom. She was sad and alone. Now let me make this clear before I explain what happened. I don't know if these are factual events in my moms life but I do know that the Lord showed me pictorial representations of my moms own pain. Some of the events are factual, I just don't know if all of them are.
I saw this sad little girl being rejected by her own mother and father. It was so heartbreaking. She was a beautiful little girl but very evident that she felt nothing but disgust for herself. She had been abused and hurt. Her innocence taken from her early in life. My mom was a twin. Her twin sister had Spinabifida. She passed away at 16 but was severely disabled from birth. The enormous weight this little girl carried from all this pain practically pulled her shoulders down, slumping her over. Then the Father looked into my eyes. Tears were streaming out of both our eyes and He asked me "Now how do you feel about your mom?" I felt horrible. My stomached turned with the knowledge that I had allowed my pain to distort her into a monster, when in reality she is a hurting child just like me. He then asked me what I wanted to do. Without hesitation I ran to that little girl and hugged her. Over and over again through the sobs I told her I was sorry and asked her to forgive me. I acknowledged the truth that she never meant to hurt me, she just didn't know what to do. The little girl crawled into my lap and we sat in our tears for some time. The Father finally tapped me on my shoulder and told me it was time to go.
I left the little girl, who was happy now and playing and returned to my own memory. There I saw a different woman. I woman filled with pain and heartache. She was trying to protect me in some way. Maybe she felt afraid for me, I don't know. All I know was she honestly wasn't trying to hurt me, she just didn't know any better. I looked on and released and forgave my mom. The pain of rejection and worthlessness also left. I knew the truth was my mom was trying her best to help me not reject me. Even though it was not a good way to help me her heart was trying it's best to love. When someone has never been shown healthy, pure love, how can I expect them to give healthy, pure love. Her intention was to love me she just had never been taught what love really looks like.
My pain of worthlessness fled too. I began to see the truth that my mom never thought I was fat or ugly she was just reacting out of her own pain. If she sees herself as worthless, then all she can offer me is worthlessness. The Lord showed me another significant memory where my mom would always pinch my sister and my upper arms for a fat test. Again instead of the pain overwhelming me this time I felt compassion. I wondered had this happened to my mom? Without me speaking aloud the Father responded "Yes. She learned this from her mom."
The night ended and I saw Jesus and me standing on the other side of the mud puddle. Do I think the healing is all done and I am good to go? No, I know life is a journey and there maybe other areas in my life I need to see people as God sees them. I personally know I need to revisit some Dad issues. Will I get mad at my mom or dad still? Probably. As long as we are still on this earth pain will be inevitable. I am just glad to know I don't have to get stuck in it any more. I may sink in a bit here and there but I have the promise from the Lord He will help me up again. I can say that looking in the mirror is different now. I don't feel bad looking at myself. I need to probably start speaking some truth over myself frequently. The Father brought tremendous healing but part of my distorted image is how many lies I spoke over myself. With this new freedom from my healing I can now begin to speak the truth.
So there you have it the REAL me. I struggle, I get my feelings hurt but I want to live life. My husband tells me a lot that I intimidate people because of my realness. I hope not. I hope I inspire people because of my realness. I would rather someone choose to not like me because they don't like the real me than someone not like me because of who I pretend to be.
6 comments:
I have seen some of the best healings when God told children that their parents only have done what they knew. Does it make it right? Nope. But it makes them forgiveable.
May your healing be complete and total. ;-)
Thank you so much for sharing the process through which you have walked. Praise God for the victory you are walking in now. May it be complete!
It is amazing how one's perspective can change everything.
For the record, I prefer people who are real. So you are certainly not going to scare me away! I'd also submit that any who would feel intimidated probably struggle with their own identity and being real themselves. Therefore it isn't really a reaction to you but something that is going on in their own lives.
My eyes are wet, but my heart is so happy for you! I just know that this step is the first of many, you beautiful woman you! :)
What do you do when you want to forgive someone so you can have a "normal" relationship with them but they don't want to change their behavior so you just find yourself being hurt over and over again?
That really tugged on my heart. SO very encouraging to hear some of your "mom dealings" and what Jesus has taken you through. For me, it's the "not real" people that are intimidating. :) I really needed to hear all of this. Thank you...
Thank You, Jesus!!!
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