Depression Hurts, But Doesn't Have To Destroy! Part I

I wanted to chronicle my journey through battling severe depression. It is a testimony of God's faithfulness and I would like my children to know one day.

I have come from a highly dysfunctional family. Verbal and emotional abuse was a daily occurrence. I remember struggling with depression as a little girl. For the most part I was outgoing and positive but the pain was always there at the surface. I also suffered a deadly blow with rape and sexual abuse. Through high school the pain finally erupted and began to manifest through coping mechanisms. I began self inflicting injuries. I would take large rocks or irons and bang them against my arms until they bruised. Some how in my mind if I could feel pain physically the pain in my heart wouldn't hurt so bad. Of course this never worked but the deadly cycle just continued until I tried taking my life my Junior year of high school. I was in the hospital when the social worker informed me and my mom I would have to go for counseling. My mom lied and told them we had a counselor at our church and signed off on the papers. I never did get help.

I battled with an eating disorder that spiraled out of control my Senior year. My family would constantly compare my sister and I about our weight. I frequently and excessively exercised and binged and purged. I tried to not eat any food, like an anorexic does, but did not have the self control or discipline so I would find my self gorging food by the weekend and then having to purge it out of my system. These were dark days.

Many people say I have done so much in my life but honestly a lot of it was an escape route for me. Sports, extra circular activities helped me to escape my home environment for periods of time. College was a great transition. When I graduated high school things began to look up for me as I moved out of state and away from my shadowy prison. I found good friends who lifted me up and encouraged me. They were true believers of Christ, not dead religious people like those I grew up with. I began seeing a psychologist at the campus and felt maybe I had finally conquered this cloud of darkness once and for all, but that was not to be......