Depression Hurts...Part III

6 months after the birth of our first son I discovered I was pregnant again. As hard as it may sound to many I honestly did not realize you could get pregnant that quickly. It was a joy to us but also a hard point in our life. We knew we were not ready but we wanted to welcome this child in with love. This did not go well with my family. It was made known to me that all I was, was a slut. They made it very clear they did not approve of this child. This pregnancy was just as difficult as my first. At about 15 weeks I began hemorrhaging. They discovered a tear in my uterus caused by scar tissue. I did not lose the baby but was weak and sick for the first few months. We were going to an amazing church by now and had begun attending a small group. I never once imagined that those people who we had never known before this, would become like family.

Our second child was born healthy, strong and sweet. I struggled with severe post pardum depression but in all honesty I think it was the same depression I had been battling my entire life. I was just more vulnerable now. It was hard to get up in the morning, to keep going when everything felt like it was falling apart. I felt like a horrible mother and wife. I kept up a great mascaraed with the people from our church. Always having a smile on and playing the part of a good Christian. But if the Lord hates anything it is pretending. He was very effective at pulling my masks away.

I struggled daily to keep my depression a secret from those around me. Sometimes I even convinced myself I was O.K. You see in society you are rejected and cast away if you aren't "normal". My depression made me "abnormal". This is true even in the church. You are not really a Christian if you struggle or so I thought. I had two unexpected pregnancies during the two years after our second son, both ending in miscarriages. I told my family once about the first pregnancy but was quickly informed we didn't need anymore children so it was a blessing. After the second miscarriage I kept my mouth shout to my family and approached my husband about trying to have a third child. We agreed together and began trying. I became pregnant quickly and then had to go through hormone therapies to keep the baby. My body finally adjusted and I was able to carry the child full term. Our youngest now came into the world.

This time my post pardum depression hit too hard. It totally rocked my world and I was spiralling out of control. One day my husband came home after a frantic phone call from me to find me in a corner again weeping. He looked at me and said "I need to get you help." He called around trying to decide if I needed to be hospitalized. This is a moment I will never forget. I was so sick and trapped I thought my life was coming to its bitter end. Thankfully the Lord had a greater plan....
.....